On a day like Valentine's Day, it's really easy to feel like a failure if you're alone and have been for some time. Social media posts of couples celebrating their relationships make folks who don't have romantic partners feel isolated. So, I wanted to write this piece to encourage people to speak out about their loneliness and to find solidarity with others who share it.
I’m really glad that I spoke out about loneliness/depression issues. Men at a certain age become really vilified and socially isolated by coupled-up folks (not all, but too many). 40-year-old, long-term single men like me are treated with suspicion by a lot of people, as if they must have something wrong with them, or they have commitment issues.
As an autistic who's never had much luck in dating, it's easy to internalize these stigmas, especially when you regularly hear people making jokes about autistics. For many years, I felt like a failure, really lonely, and isolated, even though I had many friends, but felt like they didn't understand my struggle.
Even though we have dramatically changed the dialogue about being inclusive of different sexual orientations and gender identities, we still stigmatize people for being single past a certain age, particularly men.
However, when I started to talk about my own struggles with loneliness and stigmas related to it, I made new friends, people who had similar struggles and good advice about how to handle it. It's made a huge difference in overcoming the inadequacy that I felt.
My advice to anyone feeling similar stigmas: fuck them, the people who say that shit - they are just projecting their own insecurity onto you because you are single and there's nothing wrong with it. Do you and be happy that you have the freedom to do whatever you want.
I thought by this age that I'd be married, have kids, and have a house, but I'm not. Instead, I get to spend 2-3 months a year in Brazil doing incredibly exciting work that I wouldn't be able to do if I were coupled up. Find the silver lining and be you, be happy, and fuck the haters!
So, if you are struggling with these issues, reach out and talk to folks. Solidarity is the only cure for loneliness!
